UChi Bizarre-ketplace

UChi Bizarre-ketplace: March 2009

Trying to get pregnant?
Speak to Me in Foucault!
Robert Pape's *Bombing to Win*

Most of the listings on UChi Marketplace—the University’s version of Craigslist—are fairly banal: books for sale, rooms to rent, the kind of thing that would have appeared on fliers in an earlier era. But like everything on the Internet, the easier it is to post, the easier it is to be weird. Here are excerpts from last month’s more remarkable listings, as selected by an unscientific poll (sample size: me).


Do you desire a giant, hulking blue behemoth to take up your entire living room and to leer evilly at visitors amongst your furniture?

WELL LOOK NO FURTHER! I have discovered in MY VERY OWN APARTMENT a bean bag that suits your exact needs! My bean bag is about four feet in diameter when sat upon. It is the shade of blue that you could only know once you have experienced the sort of mind-numbing terror that causes you to forget your family, your friends and yea, your very name.

Reader: if this is the sort of bean bag you are looking for, you should be astonished that I am not asking for more than a mere $25 to take it! The dark murmurings of another dimension are simply no longer fitting in with the rest of my voodoo ensemble. You have to be the one to pick it up, though.

Almost 25 LB of white flour

We have a mostly-full 25-pound bag of white flour. We regret that we cannot deliver. The flour is offered as-is, without any warranty of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose.

Yiddish and Big Band Records-AWESOME.

As the last remaining member of my family with a basement, I have come to take possession of my great-uncle's 78 collection. If you have an ancient phonograph and feel that your Yiddish music collection is lacking, make me an offer.

teach me some basic acupuncture

My boyfriend and I would like to learn a few acupuncture techniques from an experienced practitioner to treat our classic U of C ailments: headache, back ache, anxiety, and insomnia. We'd like some advice on a good manual to buy, and we'd like one or more demonstrations/lessons on how to find the right spots and how to use the needles.

FREE: front door

Was the front door to my apartment. Possible uses: Replace your own front door. Set on bricks or trestles for an unusual desk. Saw into shelves. Make something for FOTA. Who knows? The possibilities are limited only by your imagination, and perhaps your tool collection. Pickup only. Thanks.

Oh, wait. That last one’s mine. Anybody want a door?

For more from UChi Bizarre-ketplace, check UChiBLOGo the last Friday of each month and the next issue of the Core, the College supplement to the University of Chicago Magazine, available in late May.

Carrie Golus, AB’91, AM’93

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UChi Bizarre-ketplace: April 2009

All listings by...

I’m not a stalker, OK? Well, I try not to be. But the Internet makes it so easy. It started out innocently enough. While browsing UChi Marketplace, I found myself wondering, what’s a baby mini lop?

WANTED: Baby Mini Lop Ready Early- to Mid-July
I am moving into an apartment in July and would love a baby mini lop bunny. Ideally, I would like a small dog, but my busy schedule does not allow me the time to walk a dog. I have owned two bunny rabbits for 5 years now, but they’re in Mississippi with my parents since I am away in College. If you know anyone who is selling or giving away baby mini lops, I will take up to two.

Intriguing. So I thought I’d look at the other five listings she had up. Is that so wrong?

WANTED: Puppy or Small Dog
I’m looking for a small dog or puppy (that will grow no larger than 35lbs.). However, I will not be able to get the dog until early to mid-July because I will not move into my apartment until then, so if your dog is having puppies soon or you know about one that will, please let me know!

She’s moving into an apartment in July—that we know. But I thought she wouldn’t have time to walk a dog…? So I had to keep looking.

WANTED: Various Furniture
I will be moving into an apartment at the beginning of July, and I need furniture in good, usable condition. I would prefer that the items come from pet-free environments.

OK, she’s still moving into an apartment in July; that’s consistent. But she wants furniture from pet-free environments? What, so it’s in good enough shape to be scratched and chewed by a puppy or small dog or up to two mini lops?

I make a mental note not to buy any used furniture from this person in a year or so when her lease goes up. For the time being, this is her only for-sale listing.

Designer perfume, body splash, and lotion/books for Uchicago classes/Miscellany

I can’t imagine what UChicago classes you need lotion/books for. I know there are alumni of a certain age who think they’ve dumbed down the Core, but come on.

Carrie Golus, AB’91, AM’93

For more from UChi Bizarre-ketplace, check UChiBLOGo the last Friday of each month and the next issue of the Core, the College supplement to the University of Chicago Magazine, available in late May.

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UChi Bizarre-ketplace: May 2009

Daft punk

When you’re thinking about spending $100 an hour—especially for help with something you really don’t want to screw up, like a work visa—you want to make sure the person offering assistance is actually qualified, right? Especially if the listing itself is a bit less than persuasive.

Visa Filing Help to help you deal with daft American employers

Having trouble getting your daft American employer (or daft Americans in general) to figure out the subtle nuances of the convoluted work visa process?

Reluctant to shell out thousands to scamster immigration attorneys who are probably as clueless about this as your boss or supervisor anyway?

Then contact me for informal assistance - I'll get you started up, & walk you through the whole process and the mounds of paperwork so that you always stay a step ahead.

$100 an hour for consultation.

Hmmm, okay. I guess in some cases, xenophobia can be an effective marketing tool. Perhaps it would be best to check out some of the seller’s other listings before forking over that C-note.

White Window Drape

This one has trouble coming down – and when it does it runs back up with a vengeance! In fact the harder you drag it down, the faster it runs back to the top! Pent up tensile acrylic rage you think? - I suspect it’s just a small catch somewhere in the bar’s rolling action, but I can’t be bothered to investigate.

Sometimes I play with this for hours on end when I have nothing better to do - just an experiment for my personal amusement, you understand? - winding it over and over again till it can't take any more - hey, everyone needs a hobby!

It’s true, hobbies can be a positive thing. But now I’m even less convinced of the seller’s claim to be non-daft. On to another listing.

Wittner Super-Mini Taktell Student Metronome

You know what's worse in music than being out of tune? - it's not keeping proper time.

That's why I use this Wittner Super Mini Taktell metronome:

It does not care.
It conforms.
It is ruthless.
It is relentless.
It is remorseless.
It is unwavering.
It is inexorable.
It does not compromise.
It does not yield.
It does not retract.
It does not resile.
It does not negotiate, nor has it, nor will it ever.
It is contemptuous of anything and everything contrary to its singular purpose.
It treats inferior garbage the way inferior garbage deserves to be treated.
It is scornful of irrelevant background noise.
It is indifferent to any opposition.
It does not bow to your whims.
It is as certain as death itself.

If you can handle that, then consider contacting me.

Wow. As Nietzschean prose poems go, that’s impressive. And resile? Very nice. But then, what’s this listing about?

Aquafresh Anti-Cavity Fluoride Triple Protection Toothpaste

Like the title says. Left behind by a former roommate. Never cared much for fluoride, so it's free if you pick it up. Used it once to try it out - just a small squeeze.

Check it out here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRHTUswauQ4

Luckily, I am one of those daft Americans who can live and work in this country legally as it is. But if I weren’t, I think I’d call an immigration attorney.

Carrie Golus, AB’91, AM’93

For more from UChi Bizarre-ketplace, check UChiBLOGo the last Friday of each month and the Spring/Summer 2009 issue of the Core, the College supplement to the University of Chicago Magazine, available in early June online.

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