UChi Bizarre-ketplace: May 2009

Daft punk

When you’re thinking about spending $100 an hour—especially for help with something you really don’t want to screw up, like a work visa—you want to make sure the person offering assistance is actually qualified, right? Especially if the listing itself is a bit less than persuasive.

Visa Filing Help to help you deal with daft American employers

Having trouble getting your daft American employer (or daft Americans in general) to figure out the subtle nuances of the convoluted work visa process?

Reluctant to shell out thousands to scamster immigration attorneys who are probably as clueless about this as your boss or supervisor anyway?

Then contact me for informal assistance - I'll get you started up, & walk you through the whole process and the mounds of paperwork so that you always stay a step ahead.

$100 an hour for consultation.

Hmmm, okay. I guess in some cases, xenophobia can be an effective marketing tool. Perhaps it would be best to check out some of the seller’s other listings before forking over that C-note.

White Window Drape

This one has trouble coming down – and when it does it runs back up with a vengeance! In fact the harder you drag it down, the faster it runs back to the top! Pent up tensile acrylic rage you think? - I suspect it’s just a small catch somewhere in the bar’s rolling action, but I can’t be bothered to investigate.

Sometimes I play with this for hours on end when I have nothing better to do - just an experiment for my personal amusement, you understand? - winding it over and over again till it can't take any more - hey, everyone needs a hobby!

It’s true, hobbies can be a positive thing. But now I’m even less convinced of the seller’s claim to be non-daft. On to another listing.

Wittner Super-Mini Taktell Student Metronome

You know what's worse in music than being out of tune? - it's not keeping proper time.

That's why I use this Wittner Super Mini Taktell metronome:

It does not care.
It conforms.
It is ruthless.
It is relentless.
It is remorseless.
It is unwavering.
It is inexorable.
It does not compromise.
It does not yield.
It does not retract.
It does not resile.
It does not negotiate, nor has it, nor will it ever.
It is contemptuous of anything and everything contrary to its singular purpose.
It treats inferior garbage the way inferior garbage deserves to be treated.
It is scornful of irrelevant background noise.
It is indifferent to any opposition.
It does not bow to your whims.
It is as certain as death itself.

If you can handle that, then consider contacting me.

Wow. As Nietzschean prose poems go, that’s impressive. And resile? Very nice. But then, what’s this listing about?

Aquafresh Anti-Cavity Fluoride Triple Protection Toothpaste

Like the title says. Left behind by a former roommate. Never cared much for fluoride, so it's free if you pick it up. Used it once to try it out - just a small squeeze.

Check it out here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRHTUswauQ4

Luckily, I am one of those daft Americans who can live and work in this country legally as it is. But if I weren’t, I think I’d call an immigration attorney.

Carrie Golus, AB’91, AM’93

RELATED READING
For more from UChi Bizarre-ketplace, check UChiBLOGo the last Friday of each month and the Spring/Summer 2009 issue of the Core, the College supplement to the University of Chicago Magazine, available in early June online.

May 29, 2009